Know what to look for in a man and stick to it!

Dating. A lot of stress, many new people, dinners, kisses, sex. All you do is test the “waters” to see if the new guy is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. There are small exceptions to this, but most of the time, when looking for a date, a woman is also looking for a prospective long term relationship.

And when it comes to more than just a one night stand, a woman thinks about the “perfect” guy and tries to find him in the man she dates. Sure, many women might want the impossible (we all dream about the best looking guy, filthy rich, a genius too, awesome in bad and with great manners) .. what’s wrong with this? Nothing.

Still, when it comes to the regular guys (we don’t meet Prince Charming that easy), it’s important to have lesser expectations, but still know what to look for in him. I never wanted a very handsome guy or a rich one (had both these in a guy I dated and none of the “qualities” made for a perfect relationship. In the end it was about me and him and not being able to function as a couple, beauty and money sometimes even got in the way). Still I had my own “list” of things I wouldn’t stand in a guy and I never dated a guy who broke one of my “rules”.

Almost seven years ago I broke up with a man after almost 3 years together. He wanted to start a family, I was a committment phobic (or at least I didn’t want to get married and start acting like a wife), so we broke up. I wasn’t able to offer him the family he wanted and it was better to part ways. We are still friends and, even if we don’t meet often, there is still space for a “hello” and “how are you”.

So, getting back to our story: I was alone and don’t know how, but most men I came in contact with KNEW this, even if I didn’t say anything. And sure, all were interested. I had 2 guys who were in a relationship and wanted to date me, which almost made me kick their butts, and 5 other ones who were single and nice guys.

I was like Snow White with the seven dwarfs. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by men who all wanted be to be their lover and again for the first time in my life I took the advice from one of them: “Ramona, act like a man. Have a list and look for the qualities and things you dislike in a man. Then see the result”.

For a woman it’s difficult to keep lists, but I took the advice and I found it to be pretty nice. Here is how my small list looked like:

• he’s not very handsome (I don’t need a “prince”), but he has to look nice. I am very skinny and tall, he needs to be at least as tall as me (this got one of the guys off the list, he was way shorter than me)
• I don’t need a rich guy (I earn my own money), but I want him to be employed and serious about this. I was 23 back then and wanted a guy who did earn his money. I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone, but I didn’t want to work for 2 people right from that moment.
• it’s important for us to be able to discuss something more than the weather. I have read quite a lot in my life and I need a guy who would intelectually challange me too. I could ignore the fact he hasn’t been to college for instance, but he needs to be a smart guy and with a good sense of humour. For me a lover is also a good friend, we need to connect and be able to have a decent conversation and a good laugh. I am looking for a “partnership” too, not just sex.
• I might have nothing against him smoking (even if I don’t), but I won’t stant to be with a guy who gets drunk. I have a phobia when it comes to alcohol and would never ever accept a guy with (even a mild) drinking problem.
• I don’t fight, I discuss calm all the issues. I dislike a drama queen and men who need to shout or break something to get their opinion heard. I will not accept such a guy, nor will I accept to be scared he might slap me.

Overall I think these are “normal” requirements for a guy. As you can see, I don’t want Mr. Perfect, but I do want a guy I can rely on to and who would make me happy.

I was able to cut from the list 4 guys. One was a bit of a drinker, another one wasn’t from the city and would move after finishing college (I was looking for a long term thing, not a summer), another one wasn’t too serious when it came to employment and lived off his parents even if it would have been normal to earn his own money.

Weird as it might seem, in the end I didn’t get any of the “finalists”. My current BF appeared out of the blue and till now (7 years after) I can tell you he is the perfect guy. He is a very sweet man, has a very nice baby like face, he’s as tall as me, works hard and is able to sustain us both if needed. He’s one of the smartest guys I know and always makes me feel like a kid when compared to his extensive knowledge. We laugh all day and share the same wicked sense of humour. We drink 1 beer together, he even stopped smoking, just because he didn’t feel like smoking anymore.

It’s important I think to draw a line, to create a realistic list of qualities and stick to it. Maybe the height issue is not that important (I know so many couples where she’s way taller and they love each other a lot), maybe the age thing matters less, but getting together with a womaniser or a raging alcoholic is wrong. Just think there are less chances for you to change this guy and, if you want a long term relationship or even marriage, you need to chose carefully.

And no, the good guys are not all married or gay, so there is always a chance to find your own ‘mr. right’.

How does your “list” look like? What are the things you wouldn’t accept in a guy?

Tags: relationship